Beautiful

How many women believe that they are beautiful?  How many are told that you are pretty/beautiful from your significant other?  Do you feel that you need that validation from a man to feel good about yourself? 

I'm listening . . .

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Hey All!

I know it's been some time since I've been on here, but as you can see, the 'Advice Column' did not go over too well.  So here I am, back to the original drawing board.  I want to talk about people's views on women in positions of authority. 

Being at times the only person of my race and gender in certain authority situations, I feel that it is expected that we behave like men (in a sense) in order to be treated as equals.  So what's on your mind ladies . . . do you feel that you have to compromise your femininity just to make it to the top?

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What Do I Do?

Dear Queen-
I just got back to having a relationship with my Mom.  She has been in prison for most of my life and she never raised me or my sisters, but I have been trying to give her a chance.  I want to love her an forgive her . . . but it's hard to not remember how she left us.  What do I do?   -  R.K.

Dear R.K.-

That's a hard one.  I would say that forgiveness is essential if you want to progress, because if you don't forgive, you will be walking around with that pain in your heart for a lifetime.  You will feel anger, disappointment, hurt and all of these emotions may be confusing.  But remember, your Mom made her choices in life.  You can CHOOSE to love, forgive and heal. 

I think that it would be helpful to express your emotions to your Mom, or someone that you trust.  Expressing your feelings will be the first step to healing.  Your Mom may not be ready to accept the wrong that she has done, but at least you will feel some freedom from carrying the weight of the past.

I pray that you and your Mom work things out, and will continue to pray for you.

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Revenge On A Cheating Husband

Dear Queen:

My husband had cheated some years ago, but I have had a really hard time trusting him, even though I love him.  Now that he has decided to be all nice and loving, I don't know if I should believe it.  I have even thought of having a fling so that we could be 'even', but I haven't had the heart.  What should I do?  - BG

Dear BG:  Getting even won't solve the problem.  The fact that you love him and decided to stay should tell you that your heart is still in the marriage.  So you have a choice to make . . . will you live in the past or live in the future?  If you live in the past, you will always refer back to what he did and be stuck in those hurt feelings.  If you choose to live in the future, you see your husband as the man he is and will be, not the man that he was.  By deciding to stay, you must have believed somewhere in your heart that he was worth fighting for.  My advice to you . . . less doubting and more loving.  If he apologized for his wrong, choose to forgive him and LOVE him. 


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The New Anonymous Advice Column

The Emancipated Queen has decided to change the face of this blog.  Instead of a one sided conversation, I am now turning this page into an anonymous advice column.  I think it's important to share ideas and to see other's points of view. Plus, there are so many women facing every day dilemmas and sound advice is priceless.

If you have a question, you can email emancipatedqueen@gmail.com and your question (along with the response) will be listed.  I will only list your initials . . . no one needs to know ALL of your business. 

Look forward to hearing from you!

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What Is Holding You?

I know it's been a week since I've added a new message and I apologize.  I won't stay away that long again.  I have been working on my mind . . . thinking about my steps and how to get to the next level.  I thought about my dreams, and how I need the confidence to carry those things out.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of being limited.  I am tired of having excuses and failing to meet my goals.  I am tired of going in circles, wasting time reflecting on what I 'should have' or 'could have' done.  It's time to move forward.

I am challenging myself, as well as you, to get busy LIVING.  If there are things that you have not done that you need to, there is no better time than today to get moving.  We can do this!

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For The Love . . .

I have been dragged through the dirt for love . . . I have done things and given my heart only to be hurt in the end.  But the saddest part is, I have done it more than once.  So what is the problem with me?  Why did dysfunctional love SEEM so normal?

Most relationships that I see these days are severely unbalanced. I think this is because most of us were not taught the proper way to love. . . we didn't witness loving relationships.

I don't want our youth to make the same love mistakes that we have. We need to teach them to love and respect themselves so that the next generation won't be so "Love Dumb".

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No Dark Meat

I was watching a television program where black women were being interviewed, and the women stated that although they were black, they would NEVER date a black man.  They said that they believed that black men were no good and that white men would treat them better.

Now, I believe that if you find love in any race or color, you should go for it and not be prejudiced.  HOWEVER, it seemed like a bit of self-hate for women to say that ALL black men were bad.  I wonder what makes our people believe that other races are superior when it comes to dating?  It is okay for them to prefer white men, but to categorize their brothers seems a bit extreme.  What are your thoughts?

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My Lesson

I would consider myself to be one of the most positive people anyone would meet.  However, I have my moments.  Last week I found myself in my own Pity Party and for some reason, it felt good to feel sorry for myself. 

I realized that faking happiness did not work any better than wallowing in self-pity.  I just had to accept that it's okay to feel sad . . .it's a human emotion.  But after that feeling comes I have to process it, then pull myself together. 

There is no situation that is permanent.  As long as I have life, I have an opportunity to change any situation.  I"m not perfect, but I'm getting there . . .

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Kindle Promotion

Through the month of March ALL of my novels and books of poetry are $1.00 on Amazon Kindle, as a "THANK YOU" to all who have supported Buttrfli Jones.

If you don't have a Kindle, you can download the Amazon Kindle app for free on any Smartphone our Android phone. Please feel free to repost.

Thank you and God bless!

Daddy's Girls

Yesterday I had a meeting with 15 girls aged 12 - 14.  Our  question for the day was how many of them live in homes with just one parent.  All 15 young women raised their hands . . . then one put her hand down suddenly.  She said, "Well I have been living with my Mom, but my Dad gets out of prison in a few weeks so I will have them both in the house."

SAD

The young ladies talked about how their father's were missing . . . some who have never seen their father.  They were full of emotion and anger and to be honest I can't blame them.  Some girls felt as if their father's absence was their fault. 

I know that there are men in the world who raise their children and support them, both mentally and physically, but for those of you who have not been doing that. . . start today.  The rejected girls of today are tomorrow's broken women, looking for that "Daddy" in the wrong type of men, suffering from low self esteem or even suffering from substance abuse.

You owe it to your daughters to be there.

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Getting Back Up

My name is Buttrfli Jones, and I have a confession to make:

I AM NOT PERFECT

I will not always do everything the way that people expect me to.  I will not always say the right thing.  I will not live up to societal standards.  I will fall occasionally. 

But one thing that is important to know about me is that I will always get back up, regardless of how many times I fall.  I see people who have given up on life . . . resigning themselves to accept whatever happens in life as their fate.  They live unhappy, unfulfilled lives and accept their daily existence as their lot.  I was once a person who was afraid to get back up, thinking that it was easier to just stay defeated.

I had to tell myself, just as I am telling you, to not accept defeat as definite.  Remember, if babies stayed down every time they fell, they would never learn how to walk.   If they never learned to walk, they would never learn how to run.  We can never reach our full potential until we get back up when we fail/fall.

One day we will all run . . .

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Keep It Moving

Today when I was driving I came to a stoplight.  There was a gentleman walking across the street, and I could tell that he had trouble walking.  It looked like one of his legs was shorter than the other.  I felt sorry for him, hoping that no one was making fun of him and the way that he walked.

When he reached the other side of the street, my feelings of sympathy turned to a feeling of admiration.  He did not let his disability keep him from making the trek across the street.  He knew that he had somewhere he was going to, and he was determined to get there.  Rather than feeling sorry for him for how he walked, I focused on the fact that he was walking. 

At times we can look at our shortcomings and limitations and use them as an excuse to remain stagnant and afraid to move.  If we have to walk funny, crawl or have someone help us, we have to KEEP MOVING.  If I could go back to that moment today, I would give him a hug and thank him for being my inspiration. 

Thank You, God for giving me the strength to keep going.  No matter what . . . I will KEEP MOVING!

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Love . . .The 'Other' 4 Letter Word

I was having a discussion with some women in my writing group, and we had an exercise where we listed examples of good and bad characteristics of love.  For the good, we listed words such as:  caring, accepting, supportive, understanding and dependable.  For the bad, we listed words such as:  temporary, hateful, judgemental, conditional and hurting. 

All of the women admitted that these characteristics used were descriptive of men in their lives.  After reviewing our lists, I asked the women to internalize those characteristics.  How often are we judgemental, conditional and hateful toward ourselves?  Every time we make a mistake, we come down on ourselves harder than the world does. 

It's important that we look inside to find love for ourselves above all.  Regardless of who may hurt us, we should always be good to ourselves.  We can never love others fully until we learn to love who we are.

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Mother Earth

Mother Earth
on an African plane
heavy is my color
heavy is my frame
heavy is my spirit
heavy is my reign
heavy like nightfall
when the thief came

Mother Earth
on a slave ship
heavy are my tears
heavy are my lips
crying out to heaven
heavy are the whips
used to break my back
and cause my people to shift

Mother Earth
considered property
heavy are my songs
mental slavery
heavy is my womb
brown, little baby
heavy is the burden . . .
the mother in me

Mother Earth
teach me your strength
your wisdom . . .endurance
to go to great lengths
to achieve greatness
and not ride the fence
I want to be like you
to persevere . . . to go through

To Mother Earth
we all shall return
from dust to creation
ashes to urn
fan the forever flames
give her a turn
to live in her glory

let me live and learn


Happy Black History Month

What's Your Price?

I was watching The History Channel this morning, and a program detailing the history of "America" was founded.  The program discussed how RUM was the most precious commodity because it was used to purchase Africans from other Africans.  I felt somewhat angry . . . I understand that what took place was over 400 years ago, but to think that people would sell each other into slavery for alcohol is hard to fathom.

I thought about our current situation as Black people in the world, and how easily people sell themselves or sacrifice others just to make money or have material gain.   It's true that my ancestors are the only race that did not voluntarily migrate to America.  There is so much widespread corruption in African nations, tribalism and war.  We understand that the Europeans started some of the division, but it's hard to blame the Europeans entirely when it was brother against brother and sister against sister. 

Instead of focusing on personal gain . . . what is the price of unity?  What is the price of togetherness?  Something to think about . . .

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To The Good Men . . .

This post is just a thank you to the men out there that know how to treat a lady like a lady . . . ones who know how to be gentlemen, good fathers, faithful, good communicators and support systems for their families.

I was reminded this weekend about how much "Good Men" are under-appreciated.  I know a woman who has a GREAT man and she treats him like nothing.  She says that he is 'too nice', disrespects him and even questions his manhood. 

I realize that there are times when people take a good thing for granted, and by the time they realize how good they have/had it, it's too late.  To all of the men out there who know how to love . . . please know that there is ONE woman who appreciates you.  Please continue to be good men. 

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Taking Control

Hello Ladies and Gents!

This post is about ME.  I am making a declaration for ALL of the world to see that from today on, I am taking control of my life.  And by taking control, I mean to be the best Buttrfli that I can be.

Most of my posts are written to be informational and to engage dialogue, but it's also very cathartic.  As I write, I learn more about myself and what I need to do.  I can't give direction unless I've also walked that road.  I can't be an example unless I am a woman of my word. 

I'll keep you informed . . . and if you want to see a shooting star FOLLOW ME!  (cause I'm going places) :-)

Be happy . . .be humble . . .be blessed!

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Pay Attention

Ladies, have you ever had a man who is only nice to you when he needs something?  Do you have a man that you know is not faithful, or a liar, yet you hope that one day he will come around to being the man you want him to be?  Do you have a man who is physically, verbally or mentally abusive to you and tells you that it's YOUR fault he behaves this way because he "LOVES" you?

It's time to pay attention to the signs.  Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”   I know that as women we have a tendency to want to fix and save people.  When you have a man who victimizes women, he will use you until he uses you up and then move on to the next person to victimize.  But guess what?  That victim does not have to be you.

I understand that there are also women who victimize men.  No one deserves to be used.  All relationships should be built on mutual love and respect.  I say it in most of my posts and I will say it again . . . YOU DESERVE THE BEST!

Take a look at your relationship and honestly determine if your mate is in it for the right reasons.  Ask God for wisdom.  Value yourself. 

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Poetry for Discussion

Here is a poem from my new book of poetry, Song of Sally II:  The Dedication.

POPULATION CONTROL

modern day

genocide

brown, round babies

crushed

with the pull of the

vacuum

‘cause the Mama felt it was

‘too soon’

for her to conceive

every day

a young warrior is pulled

from the strength of the womb

sucked or expelled

into a tomb

because someone is consumed

with what they feel is

convenience

they don’t have to hear

the young warrior cry

they don’t have to say

goodbye

they deny the validity

of its existence

because they couldn’t see the feet

or hear the

heartbeat

‘it was only tissue’

like a tumor

or cancer

no gender, no soul

no conscience

no answer

laying on that table

reckless birth control

someone told you “it’s YOUR BODY

it’s nobody’s business

just pay your $400

and we can end this

INCONVENIENCE”

and we say

YES

never mind

that young warrior

conceived by God’s design

could have been the next creation

to rebuild a nation

what you see as the easy way

is actually to control

a population

of young brothers and sisters

who are viewed as a

drain

on the economy

more like a stain

with nothing to contribute

nothing to gain

but what if that seed was created

to save a continent

or to one day become

President

and while the

government

gives you ‘free’ option . . .

coercion

to have your

abortion

remember . . .

the very fact

that you were chosen for birth

signifies that you have value

and worth

so before you create or take life

THINK FIRST

3 Little Words

I remember an article that I read about people with "Abusive Personalities" that I thought I would share with my blog readers.  Question:  Have you ever met a man who told you after a few days those three little words . . . I Love You?  Although it sounds and feels good, let me tell you why you should run (and run quickly).  Here are three points to remember:

1.  Any man who says that he loves you after a few days is trying to appeal to your emotion.  He may be experiencing feelings for you, but love is a very strong word and concept. 

2.  Most likely he is trying to hook you emotionally so that he can seal the deal.  Men who move quickly are trying to get you emotionally anchored because they can't maintain the 'nice-guy-act' for too long.

3.  Any man who is serious about you will take the time to get to know you. 

Just because someone says that they love you, doesn't necessarily translate into action.  Take the time to see if he SHOWS love . . . not just SPEAKS love. 

You deserve the best, Ladies.  Don't settle for less.

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Being Mom & Dad

How many of our black women are both Mom and Dad to their children? 

I was thinking about this, comparing the current mentality of our black families to that of slavery.  Black men were only useful for planting seeds to breed the next generation of workers (slaves) who would then grow up to repeat the cycle.  Black men were regarded as nothing more than animals, forced to move from one woman to the next without creating that familial bond.

Now we see so many of our black children growing up in single parent homes, as if that is the norm.  Men creating numerous children, yet being a true father to none.  When does it end?  When will we take back our families and start to show our children that families can be made up of TWO parents?  I was once a single mother, having to be both the nurturer and disciplinarian . . . masculine and feminine.  And I regarded this as 'normal'.  It took a strong man to show me how much my son and I needed that strong man in our lives.

To any of the men out there who have been playing the role of the slave . . . today is the day to change.  Go be the parent your children need you to be.  Don't let the cycle continue.

What are your thoughts?

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Fear of Failure/Fear of Success

Woke up this morning thinking about my life, and where I am going.  I saw success in my future . . . the ability to have everything that I desire . . . and somehow the thought scared me.  What would I do with the success?  I had a serious reality check.  But I realized that this is an issue that we face every day.

We know that there are changes that need to be made in our life, but we don't feel equipped to make those changes or we don't believe that those changes can be maintained.  I almost felt like slapping myself, and slapping you, too!  The only person who determines your success or failure is YOU!  The only person that is hindering me is ME. 

So from today, going forward, I endeavor to walk through the fear and doubt and FIND a way to get where I want to get, and I challenge you to do the same.  If God can get us there, can He not maintain us?  I believe that Franklin D. Roosevelt said it best when he said:

 "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 

Be encouraged . . . be blessed.  Nothing is impossible as long as you believe!

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What About Me?

Sometimes I think that being a woman . . . especially a Black woman . . . should come with a manual and standard Superhero uniform.  We wear a lot of hats and take care of our family, friends, children and men.  The question comes in . . . who is taking care of us?

I can't tell you the countless women I see who have declining health:  overweight, high blood pressure, diabetes, inactive, etc., all because they expend the majority of their energy taking care of someone else.  Ladies, I understand that someone has to be there to pick up the slack for the brothers have failed to fulfill their purpose.  But realize that you CANNOT do your best for anyone else unless you are at your best. 

I am not just preaching, I am practicing myself.  I realize that it's important to make time for myself and to make sure that I'm building up my own temple.  The people that need/use you today will find someone new to need/use when you are out of commission. 

So do me a favor . . . Be GOOD to yourself!

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p.s.  Just want to give a shout out to Norway for all of the love . . .

Speak Life

I had a talk with my friend yesterday about the power of positive thinking.  I have come to understand that as we change our minds, our perception of ourselves and our world changes.  We have to make a conscious choice to believe in ourselves, to see ourselves as competent and beautiful.

We put a thought into the atmosphere, and then we counter-act what we believed because doubt sets in.  We can never have success until we fully commit to faith.  "Faith" looks at "Fear" and slaps the taste from it's mouth, almost as if to say "Who's your Daddy?"  (haha) 

A funny way to look at it, but faith is more powerful than fear.  Once you realize that, you will continue to speak life and good things over yourself.  Don't doubt your abilities . . .believe in the impossible.

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Sister Appreciation

Today is a day to celebrate being a woman, regardless of color.  We are a gift to our mates, we are blessed to carry life into the world and we have a wisdom about us that is unparalleled.  We are beautiful and were created to add balance to everything that we touch.  No matter what your race, you are special because you are woman.

I am thankful to be a woman, and especially proud to be a Black woman.  I love my features, my color, my culture and my strength.  I love my uniqueness . . . how I am set apart and distinct.  Beyond my race, color or heritage . . .

I love being me.

What do you love about you?

Writing Your Vision

I found this template on another blog, http://nnekasaran.blogspot.com/2010/12/write-visionmake-it-plain.html?showComment=1327437795320#c3980528550365054103

Sisters, if we don't know where we're going, how do we expect to get anywhere?  Take some time and write your vision for your life and make moves to get to your appointed destination.

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Calling All Good Men

So I was thinking about how women say that it's hard to find a 'good man', yet I see so many good men walking around unclaimed.  I talked with women and found out when they say that the good men are gone, what they mean is that the men that fit their requirements are gone.

In my definition . . . a good man is a man who works hard, treats you like a queen, no criminal record or questionable past, steady job, loves God, etc.  What I find is that women disregard the 'good men' because they are 'too-good-to-be-true', too soft or they don't look the way the woman thinks they should.  So essentially, women miss out on a good man because of what I like to call "superficial stupidity".

NEWSFLASH:  The last time I checked, having a man that doesnt beat up on you or disrespect you is a good thing.  Having a man who makes an effort to understand you and can be faithful is a good thing.  Having a man with stability is a good thing.

Take time to truly see yourself how God sees you, and you will realize that you deserve the best!  Give a good man a chance . . . you may be surprised to find you've been missing out all along.

Ghetto?

I was watching an episode of The "Real" Housewives of Atlanta, and I see the fascination.  I can see why people tune in week after week to see what shenanigans will take place.  But I wonder, are they laughing with/at us black women?  Most of the women on the show reinforce that 'ghetto' stereotype . . . loud, ignorant, money hungry, thinking a little money makes them rich or living beyond their means.  How many are a few steps away from bankruptcy and foreclosure?

I love my Sisters and on one hand, a few of them show that black women can be successful and educated, (i.e., Kandi, Phaedra, Cynthia).  Then there are others who show that life is all about investing in your outer appearance because there is nothing in your head of value.

What are your thoughts?

Why We Settle

Speaking from the viewpoint of a woman who has allowed men to use and abuse me at some point in my life, I reflected today on why I settled for men like that?  Was it because I felt so insecure with myself, or grateful that someone would actually like me that I allowed men to use me for whatever purpose they desired?

There came a point in my life where I decided that I would rather be single than to be with someone who didn't value me.  However, that realization did not occur until I was past 30.  So ladies, talk to me . . . what are some reasons why you have settled for a love/relationship that you knew was toxic for you?

Let me know . . .

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Ole Willie Lynch

I had a discussion with High School students yesterday regarding how they see themselves as young, black women.  It was surprising to me that after all of these years, they are still dealing with the same color issues as I dealt with almost twenty years ago.  They talked about how blacks still judge who is 'better' or 'prettier' by their shade or their hair texture. 

I informed them that they should be proud of how God made them, and not try to be anything else than what they are.  But the question comes in . . . how to undo the brainwashing?  I can tell them that they are beautiful, no matter their shade of brown or length of hair.  What if they go home to someone who reinforces their negative beliefs that they have of themselves?  Where did it start, and how does it end? 

MY MESSAGE TO BLACK WOMEN:  You are unique and beautiful.  Please stop trying to conform to societal pressures to be something that you are not.  God doesn't make mistakes.

What are your thoughts? 

Today's Question: Do Black Women Hate Themselves?

I have been thinking this question over for some time lately.  I have been wondering, what is SO wrong with kinky hair?  I see women in droves buying wigs, weaves, extensions, perms, etc., trying to conceal the fact that their hair might not look long and stringy. 

Talking to women in my family and beyond, I have heard the word 'nappy' paralleled to 'ugly', as if by having hair that isn't straight is an abomination.  But isn't an abomination anything that goes against God?  And if God made your in His image and likeness and you are fighting so hard to go against that . . . does that make US (black women) an abomination?

I am guilty of it myself.  I have a huge gym bag at home FULL of wigs.  My excuse was that I was letting my natural hair grow so I would hide it under the wigs.  Was I really that brainwashed to feel like people would dislike me, or somehow feel I wasn't beautiful because my hair wasn't fake?

Let me know what you think . . .

Over-N-Out!

Hello to all of my beautiful, black Sisters!  I am starting this blog because I am tired of the perceptions we have of ourselves.  I am not attacking us, but attacking the brainwashing that has been done to us.  I have had enough.

So this blog will contain some discussion matter that may not suit everyone, and that is fine with me.  But as the Bible states, "(s)He that has an ear, let (her) him hear".  Daily we are fighting for understanding, recognition and love, regardless of our size, shade, hair texture, etc. . .

I would love to hear from all of my Sisters, and get your ideas on how we can make this thing better.

Over-N-Out!